So I read in "Disciplines of a Godly Woman" (Barbara Hughes), that it takes 20-something days to begin a habit. Have I started my habit of waking early each day to spend time with God? Unfortunately, no. It started well, I was getting up early for the first 10 days and I really cherished that time. Extremely hard to get up of course! Then... I came down with the flu and knew it was better for me to get as much sleep as possible so I could still be effective in caring for my family during the day. Once I recovered, J got sick and still isn't better so he's keeping me awake at night! A couple of mornings I've still willed myself to get up but it does leave me quite tired for the rest of the day. I'll try again soon! For now, I've gone back to reading and praying during E's nap in the middle of the day or listening to sermons when I can.
Speaking of the latter, I've been greatly encouraged and blessed by the SMBC Principal Hour's sermons which can be downloaded for free here . I LOVED Principal's Hour when I was at college, it was a 1hr time slot each week in the college timetable where we had the opportunity to hear from one of the lecturers (mostly David Cook) taking us through a sermon series.
I was listening to a talk given by Malcolm Gill on Luke 11:37-12:11 about the woes declared by Jesus to the Pharisees and experts of the law revolving around their hypocrisy. They were so caught up by their outward purity and cleanliness, they didn't think at all to be concerned for their inward godliness. I was so rebuked by this!!! Each time I hear a talk on hypocrisy that challenges us as to whether we are living for God or man, I start having funny feelings in my tummy and my heart begins to pound just a little bit quicker and I look down to my Bible to make sure noone around me can see any signs of guilt on my face.
God has gifted me with music ability and has taught me how to teach the Bible to others in a public way- it's the kind of ministry that often leads to people coming up to you after to make a comment of some sort about how you did. Rarely do I get negative comments (not said in a boastful way) because I think God's people are taught also to be encouraging! Oh I struggle with this so much. I've learnt to say "thanks for being so encouraging" - its the response I feel most comfortable with. But overall, I feel uncomfortable with compliments even though inside, I do yearn for them! I think I have always been overly concerned with what others think of me (just like the Pharisees!). Do you struggle with this too, friends?
I've asked one of the local ministers here how he deals with not wanting the glory for himself and making sure its God that gets the glory.. he said that he still struggles after years of public ministry. That made me feel a bit better but it also made me feel worse! I don't know how I will overcome it.
Malcolm said something in his sermon that I want to continually remind myself of... "Live in the awareness of God's presence". Another thing to pray for me, friends!
And does Sara have a song for this too? But, of course!!;)
When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man's advice and I need man's approval
This journey is my own
Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price
What does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life
So much of what I do is to make a good impression
This journey is my own
And so much of what I say is to make myself look better
This journey is my own.....
Now I live and breathe for an audience of one
(From "This journey is my own" Sara Groves)
3 comments:
Do you struggle with this too, friends?
Yeap! This struggle led me to step down from a lot of ministries a few years ago so that I could work on defeating my pride and understanding why I'm serving.
When I believed that I was spiritually capable of serving again, my pride took over because the ministry I was taking part in was extremely fruitful!
God stomped on my pride by making the ministry experience EXTREMELY difficult and stressful, so that I could do nothing but rely on him.
We're prone to seeking approval and glorifying ourselves, but God rebukes and disciplines us through hardship so that we learn to acknowledge him through trust and dependence which in turn brings the glory back to God :)
Thanks for sharing! Keep using your many gifts! Will be praying for youuuu and the ministries you're doing :)
x
hey friend, thanks for sharing. discovered this post when I opened my google reader properly tonight. Our psychologist Jono might encourage you not only to identify the problem ((over)self-consciousness in serving) but to ask God to reveal to you on a deep heart level why it exists. The pat answer is of course 'sinful human pride' but the more specific-to-Celz answer may have more particular components to it - based on for example, the way you were or weren't affirmed by people important to you as you grew up and what you then sought/seek for as compensation. If what God prompts you to see is the product of or has perpetuated unregenerated, unrenewed thinking (a la Romans 12), the next thing to do is obviously repent of it, but then ask God to transform and heal you about whatever that particular issue is that He's revealed - so that you are transformed not only cognitively ('I need to not be proud') which is only part of the process, but also experientially and deeply (freeing and healing you from the personal need to be/feel affirmed by man).
Happy to chat about this in person; it's been a revolutionary way for us to learn to pray and open ourselves up to God's transforming (sanctifying) power - complete only in heaven of course, but more available to us now than we tend to realise. :)
hi celz,
i didn't know you had a blog!
thanks for sharing these insights :)
praying for your ministry :)
hope to see you soon,
ysic,
mag:)
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