Gee, where does the time go? E is now 7 and a half months old and I don't feel like I have any time to myself! Or maybe it's that when I do have time to myself all I really feel like doing is something mindless.. just thinking about blogging makes me feel drained.
I've been struggling lately.. definitely not feeling myself. Losing patience, quick to anger, often frustrated, crying for almost no reason at all.. displaying character traits that I hate seeing in myself. Doing and saying things to the people I love that I regret afterwards. What is wrong with me?!?!
Sleep deprivation? Depression? Whatever the cause, I'm unhappy with the kind of person I've been lately. I'm being the kind of wife and mother that I never wanted to be. I feel like I've been trying so hard to be godly as a wife and a mother (motivated especially after reading Carolyn Mahaney's book "Feminine Appeal" on Titus 2)- I try to have dinner started before J gets home from work, do as much housework as I can, ensure that he has enough rest.. all in the name of serving and loving him as best as I can. With E, I try to be constantly happy, patient, kind, cheerful..
Maybe the key word here is "try"? I just try and try all on my own efforts and it doesn't work. I end up being emotionally drained, exhausted and very far from where I want to be. There's only so much I can do on my own.
I read a devotion from Spurgeon this morning that was quite timely- Rom. 5:3 re. suffering producing perseverance. He uses a KJV - "tribulation worketh patience" which I quite like the sound of (patience and perseverance seem different? what does the Greek say?). He noted: "It is only by enduring that we endure.. Tribulation in and of itself results in petulance, unbelief and rebellion. It is only by the sacred alchemy of grace that it is made to work in us patience". I can't grow in self control and patience all on my own no matter how hard I try. Ironic, isn't it? Trying to be godly on my own efforts? Only by the grace of God as He works through me by His Spirit can I get close to attaining these qualities.
Pray for me, friends?
2 comments:
i am not ur friend im ur brother. but i will pray for u for sure.
funny how it's like we learn somethin from the bible and we want to apply it in our lives e.g humility or somethin but really in the end it's by the Spirit that we actually change, are convicted, or 'apply' wat we learn.
The Greek word for 'patience/perseverance' in Romans 5:3 is: ὑπομονὴν
It can be translated as either patience or perseverance/endurance. I think it carries the idea of patient endurance, unswerving from our purpose.
Will certainly be praying this for you :)
Post a Comment